How to speak with former friends from church

Many of the people I work with in recovering from fundamentalism dread meeting up with contacts from their previous life because it can be so disturbing to be treated as "fallen." After working on this issue, one woman happily described finally being able to hold such a conversation and "come away intact," which I thought was an apt description. Here is a story I just received today from another woman who had an empowering experience and wanted to share it with others. I hope it will inspire you.

"I was in the main aisle of Barnes and Noble one day when I heard a voice
say "hello DJ". I knew that it was someone from my Christian past
because I went by my initials DJ in those days. I turned and it was a
woman whom I had admired and respected and had sort of "adopted" as a
surrogate mom back then. We chatted about the usual "how are kids", what
ever happened to so and so etc. and then THE question came. "Is the Lord
still part of your life and where are you going to church?" I smiled
and, without the anger I would have had a couple of years ago, without
the defensive attitude, and with the calm and self assurance I have now,
just said, "No, I've made the choice not to have that as a part of my
life any more." The look of pain that crossed her face reminded me of
how I must have looked back in "those" days, when I asked someone who
had "fallen away" the same question. I just smiled at her, looking her
in the eyes the whole time and told her that I believe that Christianity
causes people to live two lives, and that I now do some work as a
support person for others who have left religion. I told her about my
thesis topic of Religious Addiction and Spiritual Abuse recovery and
that I am converting my thesis into a book. I acknowledged to her that I
could see that what I am saying bothers her and I said I dedicate my
life to speaking my truth from the heart. I had told her during the
conversation that she and her husband were two of perhaps three or four
Christians, I had known during my 25 years of fundamentalism whom I
respected and admired for really living what they believed and truly
showed love and acceptance toward others. When the conversation ended, I
walked away feeling empowered by my truth. I had finally spoken it
instead of running off and avoiding the conversation I knew would take
place after the usual "catching up". I am not afraid of running into
anyone from my past now(I've been in recovery a little over ten years)
because I know that how they react to my story is their responsibility.
I can't think of anyone I would rather have had this experience with
than this woman because I knew there would be no argument or attempt to
persuade me to "return to the fold". She was a good practice run to
boost my confidence and to realize how far I have come in my recovery
from religion."

Debra Thornley

Talent Oregon